coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
