i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
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