Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
Randomize
