I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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