booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
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