what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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