this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
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