sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
