Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
