My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
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