How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
