Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
