just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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