I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Randomize
