I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
