I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Randomize
