Got a toothbrush?
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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