There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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