hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
Everclear isn't food dammit
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
