We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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