WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
