how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
UD be completely fine. you don't lose control just keep a positive environment. for example i really want to lick the wall cause red is delicious but i don't have to.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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