I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
We need to feng shui this bitch.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
