i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
