Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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