i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
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