There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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