im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Randomize
