hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Is it wrong to want to use the Dark Web to buy Vyvance for legitimate purposes?
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