babies were throwing up all over the place
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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