Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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