The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
