my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
I think my moral compass just broke
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
