so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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