The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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