My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
This is my gift to your gina
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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