I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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