im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
