omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I just cut my nipple shaving
Even the bartender felt bad for me
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
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