the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
