Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
