Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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