I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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