If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
