Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize