his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Randomize
