does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
God I need to hump something, right now.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Randomize
