i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
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