I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
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