Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
