: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
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