I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
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