Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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