some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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