The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
ttyl tear gas
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
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